Douzepoints

Friday May 11th 2007, 10:05 am
Filed under: Helsinki

like after a battle in the Third Crusade, but in reverse. Message boards are alight this morning with harsh words against the EBU for allowing the East to put forward better quality songs than their Western counterparts. The head of the EBU, Svante Stockselius is getting the brunt of mittel & nord Europa’s ire. The poor man is only doing his job as best he can. He can’t help it if the West sent Foo Foo Lamarr on downers (credit to Rob on that one), a papier mache gong, and Top Shop clearance mannequins. To my tiny mind only Andorra were hardish done by (and remember they were able to choose their peculiar position in the draw, so failure is down to them really). You could argue Edsilia was deffo good enough, but her song wasn’t.

So to recap the qualifiers are from far East to near East are:

Georgia, Turkey, Moldova, Bulgaria, Latvia, Belarus, FYROM, Serbia, Slovenia & Hungary.

Draw-wise, Slovenia, Hungary and Lithuania have been lumped together which doesn’t help either of my two adopted nations (boo hoo…and I woke up to find my mini Hungarian flags snapped…nurse the sellotape). Serbia (the most subdued performance) is on directly before Ukraine & the UK (neither subdued in any way). And Moldova is on last after Armenia, which can’t hurt its predicted 6th place from me.

I’m sad to report that the hall was by no means full last night. A whole swathe at the back was virtually desereted. God knows how the Finns managed that as the Senate Square for the free showing was packed out an hour before (conclusion, they must be tight).

Got the day off today, although might pop up to the press centre anyway (I’m getting quite enamoured with the place) and hopefully pick up my next wedge of freebies, and try to get lingering eye contact with Magdi again. This time sober and in Hungarian. Two final rehearsals today, and got tickets for the one at 9pm, but my esteemed colleague from M’cr is jetting in (hopefully not having something to suck on for landing), and he’d rather get drunk than use £120 worth of ticket. I don’t know, some people eh.

Dolly has asked which flag I will be sporting tomorrow. Well, I actually brought 4 with me, namely Lithuania, Ukraine, Georgia, and Bulgaria, never for one minute thinking all four would still be in the contest right now. So I have a choice of sorts, although even a circumspect browse through my main site will tell you that the Lithuanian flag will be on display for the majority of Saturday. Add my mini Hungarian and I’m awash with Eastern promise.

And a mention in despatches for the person responsible for supply as well as backstage operations in this blog empire. A certain MU, who I’ve got to butter up or he could pull the plug.

Back to the build up. See ya.

Oh what a night…

Friday May 11th 2007, 1:33 am
Filed under: Helsinki

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Mid May not 1963, but a bus ride in Helsinki, what a lady, what a night.

Well no lady, but I’ve got an admirer, and it’s a qualifier for the final. Oh yes. It may be 1am GMT, but it feels like a new millenia over here. It was a long night. Needless to say there was one hell of a hullabaloo after the results of the qualifiers were read out. You would have thought it was the end of the world according to the gaggle of Swiss fans I was stockaded by on the bus back. “Farce” “Shocking” “Scandal” were just some of the words used to describe the driver’s route back into town…not really. They were “Appalled of Zurich” and weren’t afraid to show it, much to my immense satisfaction. A perfect way to round off a highly entertaining evening. Got to the hall in good time and had a few bad lagers whilst people watching. Two groups of Brit fans were sporting professionally bespoke Scooch wear, t-shirts admittedly but considering 1. the UK weren’t even competing tonight, and 2. it’s Scooch, then I was gobsmacked to say the least. I was up on the top tier which was quite novel a position (especially to see Skank’s couterie swops), met a nice bunch of Brits/Germans who took the whole Swiss “scandal” evening in the manner it was meant. Oh, and I collared a Hungarian representative for a flag before the show, which I adopted as my semi final country. I chose Magdi as I honestly thought she didn’t stand a chance, and we Brits like a plucky underdog. Anyway the show was the show, but the results weren’t planned…at all.

OK, so Serbia, Belarus and Slovenia are absolutely fine with me. Not all good by any means but always were likely to qualify.

I have no problems either with Moldova (I predicted that), Bulgaria (oh yes I had that one down) Georgia (that was always on the cusp), and Hungary (that wasn’t though, but it’s grown on me a lot).

I do have qualmage with the songs of Turkey (I completely failed to appreciate the vast amount of support both inside the hall & press centre, and dotted around Europe for this bloke), FYROM (diaspora again…see Turkey), and Latvia (the relief vote).

So it leaves pained faces across Western Europe. Terry’s “they’re going to send in the gunboats” has never looked so likely as it does tonight folks, with seething hundreds all the way from Andorra De La Vella to Montreux dusting down their pen knife attachments.

A worthy Brit at the press conference (seemingly alone in a sea of very young “journos” from the East) dropped the question of a Eastern bias to the winning acts. Unfortunately the question went to Natalie of Moldova who has created a new dictionary definition of “anodine”. He put it to the jury that in actual fact the result showed that Europe voted for the song and not only the performance (for evidence see Serbia, Slovenia, Lativa, and most notably Hungary). True enough, but it doesn’t account for Turkey, nothing does. Maria S is never anodine though, she doesn’t hold back, although she is convinced that the winner of the contest will come from tonight’s show. Clean those specs love, and watch out for the big Aunt as you head off stage right on Saturday.

Talking of Aunts, I almost got a question in to Magdi of Hungary as she saw a fairly well dressed Westerner holding a Hungarian flag and clearly thought “eh up”. We kept getting eye contact, but then again she’s clearly a deep person who answers questions in a highly cogent erudite manner. Not that I’d know though, as she doesn’t speak a word of English and relies on Aunt Terpreter, a woman who’s had a shock or two in her lifetime to do the speaking for her. Still, I’m going to watch out for Ms Ruzsa before the weekend is out.

So all told, most fans (as long as they’re not Georgians, Turks, Belarus, or FYROM who couldn’t give a stuff about anyone else as they got through) left feeling a bit cheated. Andorra, Switzerland, Denmark were all hotly tipped. Netherlands again will have a strop. Norway & Malta will go away and lick their wounds. If Svante needed an excuse to force through the East/West split for 2009, then this is sure it. Logically of course, it actually gives the Western songs already through to the final a better chance of winning. Unfortunately there isn’t a decent Western song in the final.

Back in the press centre, Edsilia and Gerli had the good grace to turn up as gallant losers which I thought was nice, and Dima Bilan (2nd Russia 2006) made an appearance (Why?).

Just before the sun comes up, can I say Ukraine follows Serbia in the draw. Not good for either of them. People here think it’s Minsk 2008, though they are talking arse. I’m going to have a punt now, and say that the only country that can beat Ukraine (please note here that I predicted Ukraine 2 months back, and it’s now bookies favourite everywhere & also fans tip too) is………Slovenia.

But the night belongs to Magdi of Hungary and Alenka of Slovenia. Two ladies who have managed the virtual impossible of changing my mind about something after it was fully made up. Full marks to your decent songs. 3:30am…christ, no wonder I’m rambling…

Sabotage

Thursday May 10th 2007, 3:49 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

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Even though someone who shall remain nameless changed my log-on and cost me a fiver in calls, I shall persevere. Don’t let the b…s drag you down.

I’ve just returned from the pub, after taking the ludicrous decision to sit in the hall for the 3rd & final semi-final dress rehearsal. Not that insane you may think, but bear in mind I’m back there in 4 hours for the actual semi final itself, and the full inanity starts to hit home. I needed a £3.50 drink.

A paragraph to add from my previous semi-final post…Albania Fred’s hair can’t make it’s mind up. He was sporting a kind of mod look today. God knows what we’re going to get later, surely not an Eirikur. Eirukur himself meanwhile seems to have resigned himself to his early exit. Moldova’s Natalie’s costume choice is one fray away from the all-time greatest wardrobe malfunction, it’s a good job she waxed. Karolina of FYROM is facing the ignominy of not qualifiying, which for a Macedonian is scandalous. Malta’s gold man is no more. He’s been replaced by a topless fella with a deposit of glitter on his mug. very disappointing. Gerli’s decision to do a full-on frenchie at the end of her song may have the middle east up in arms. Brill. Not so brill was the incredibly positive reaction DQ got from the audience…again (especially from a painful Bert the Brit sitting behind me, a lump of a bloke who made a orgiastic exclamation everytime a frock was cast asunder. He was spent after Norway. His wife sitting next to him seemed concerned, and I can’t blame her). Belgium got people clapping again, which was my sign for an early exit. Oh, and I’m the only one who thinks Turkey won’t qualify. Apaarently it’s a good song…as far as I’m concerned in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king…and I’ve got one hell of a one eye.

I’m getting used to my pre-booked seat now, which I’ve got for the whole week apart from tonight’s show. It’s funny because a boom keeps coming down right in front of the people’s faces a row in front of me (if you can picture that bad description), leaving me not only an uninterrupted view, but also amusement at other people’s misfortune. Got told off for taking a black tea with milk (go figure) into the auditorium. Anyone would think it was crack.

So, I trust you’re going to be tuning in later. BBC3 at 8pm. It’s a 10pm start over here, with a press conference due at 1am. Hmm, and a “party” at the Euroclub to follow. Going to be an all-time long night.

Plonked myself down on a bean bag directly next to my fave for this year, Juliya of Lithuania earlier. Wished her the best of British luck. She said thanks. DJ Bobo is just as small but I don’t like him as much. Forced jollity isn’t my bag.

Euro fever really hotting up now. Almost can’t turn a corner without something ESC related. Screens up everywhere showing the songs, Finnish TV awash with unintelligible Eurovision navel gazing, shuttle-cars and special ESC trains buzzing around the place. The atmosphere is really difficult to describe if your a Brit and you went to Harrogate 1982. The Finns haven’t put a foot wrong. They’re almost all to a man, super.

The main dificulty today was trying to order a Subway. I gave up on trying to get anything spreadable, and let out a cry when the lady was about to put some sort of processed pea substance onto my roll. Oh and ladies, Helsinki is to die for when it comes to shopping. I may be a bloke unnaccumstomed to shopping centres, but I got lost in The Kamppi (an apt name considering many of the foreign visitors at the moment) earlier, but even I realised it was a posh collection of boutiqueries.

KDH, sent you a text, but due to my brief IT issue I can’t send another one (pay as you go, tsk), so hope you received it. Call me when any issues.

Got my sauna booked for 6pm, so off to slap myself with birch and get all red. More in the early hours tomorrow. How exciting.

Ok then, I’m back from the hall, after dodging the booms &

Wednesday May 09th 2007, 4:56 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

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Here are the qualifiers…maybe.

Serbia 10/10 - doubtless will be El Tel’s favourite, couldn’t get more minimalist with it’s lesbotic tendencies. The backing women just stand there, looking like the safari jockeys from Big Train. All said, Roland from Grange Hill went down v.big in the hall

Switzerland 9/10 - mannequins at the back withstanding, a faultless chunk of leerdammer. Particularly large fireworkage. Through

Belarus 8/10 - it’s amazing what you can do with a couple of sliding doors. Will walk into the final.

Andorra 8/10 - they lose it occasionally but the presentation is spot on, only let down by the pink parakeet look on the drummer.

Hungary 8/10 - a surprise hit with me this one. She’s a quality singer which is the reason it’s shot up in my estimations. Bus stop and luggage unsuccessful.

Slovenia 8/10 - the better opera warbler of the year & a guaranteed finalist even with the wallpaper skirt. Lovely white stain on palm action. I know not wot it is.

Latvia 8/10 - god lord, I’ve now come arse about face and find myself thinking that every opera dirge will make it through. Went big in the hall, maybe more thru relief as it’s the last song.

Denmark 8/10 - it gets worse. This went massive in the hall, & I’m going to have to bump it up the list as a result. It’s still utterly without merit though, fans or no fans.

Moldova 8/10 - Looks good on screen and on stage, & Natalie is definitely trying to wear something. Mad choreography but the backdrop look should be enough to get it through.

Bulgaria 7/10 - the last qualifying position goes to no.1 in the draw. Just did enough considering its two people and some drums.

—-

The rest

We’ll pass over the start of the show. unfathomable arse consisting of snowmen and clowns, although I must say for a 1st semi dress rehearsal I was flabbergasted to see the hall virtually full. The show went ahead on time even though not everyone got through the probing security before 2pm.

Iceland 7/10 - a pro let down by the backing screen looking like a pair of eyes. The 4! guitarists work well together so it’s not without a chance

Georgia 7/10 - this looked fab in the hall, but less so on the screen. The swordsmen put on a good show. Deserves to get through but probably won’t

Norway 7/10 - My Gurning Skank doesn’t make it. 3 dress changes don’t do enough.

Malta 7/10 - My Olivia doesn’t make it either. Opens with a Rank muscleman hitting a gong. Rank indeed. Gold man kept appearing. More fans. A mess.

Netherlands 6/10 - Edsilia’s doing it in English on crates. Curse of the hotpants will spell doom.

Belgium 6/10 - somehow managed to get some audience participation going, which is the only thing in its favour. We need a blanket vocoder ban.

Portugal 5/10 - more fans. And a blast from the past, although her hair has grown exponentially. The delegation wiull need to plant a forest to make the song carbon neutral due to her volumising hairspray.

Estonia 5/10 - Got a shout in the hall, but is the closest of neighbours after all. Wind machine! I thought we’d lost that for good.

Turkey 5/10 - Got a big noise in the hall at the start but finished as damp as Big Daddy’s undercarriage after a jog. Kenan dressed as a ringmaster, but more of a ring.

Austria 5/10 -A big pile of red feathers meant to look like the Aids badge failed. The only clear backdrop worked though. Red chicken backing singers. Mostly a mess.

Macedonia 5/10 - On before an intermission won’t help. Neither will the ugly backing singer bloke. English verses fail, and so did the fireworks. No chance, even with the neighbours

Cyprus 5/10 - Mic stand work awful. Nice backdrop. Arm webbing doesn’t delight, but she appears to be a pro in more ways than one.

Croatia 4/10 - Makes a good looking woman distinctly average. One of the first to use the dangling fishscales though.

Albania 4/10 - He’s turned Scouse. His hair must have frizzed when he saw the wife’s Big Bird dress. He’s solid, she ain’t.

Israel 3/10 - Rubbish performance, all very disappointing. Almost looking like another Teigen at one point.

Czech Rep 3/10 - They try but fail. Lead singer evens works up a sweat. The following postcard seems to be about making cheese which is apt as Portugal follows after the Czechs.

Montenegro 3/10 - Gareth from The Office. & I’ll say no more.

Poland 2/10 - Girls start off inside a birdcage. She is filth, which is why it got 2 points from me. Then fireworks go off inside it, though part of me wanted the band still inside the thing when the red button was pushed. She even missed his knee with her foot. Appalling if this gets through.

—

Your usual “pixies poking their noses out, looking inquisitive” type of performance follows the songs/recap, and then it’s down to the hosts (Mikko is half full flavour Cheddar, half crumbling Lancashire, Jana is your standard submissive gurner) to get the countdown completely wrong and try to unsuccessfully fill in time to the acute embarassment of everyone still in the hall. The enveloped countries are handed by the EBU honcho Svante to the hosts via yellow rollerskaters. I could tell it was just a rehearsal because the Czech Republic came out as a qualifier.

Worth doing, since I now know I will have to have many beers before tomorrow night’s festivities.

And that’s it for now. A quiet night tonight, hopefully listening to non-Eurosong music. “The Promise” by When In Rome has been featuring regularly on my mp3 at the moment, Dolly. You did ask.

a media circus, lots of acrobats, & one clown

Wednesday May 09th 2007, 6:05 am
Filed under: Helsinki

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There were loads of “parties” last night, but I forsook the Sacndinavian, Greek/Cypriot, & Slavic get-togethers and restricted myself to only one, the Big Four do. These “parties” are a varied affair, the Macedonian one for example was held with the extended family of the singer in a community hall, the Georgian one (I missed this one) a wow with free Georgian grub & wine as prepared by the president’s chef no less.

Anyway, as is the way when the Big 4 show up, so does everyone else, eager to get on the promotional bandwagon. Who can blame them, as delegations and media (of which I remind you, I am one) made up 90% of the audience in the Euroclub, a grand affair, not at all like Nelson Mandela Building in Sheffield. Drag queen Verka waltzed in with his Moldova’05 mother-alike, and was immediately mobbed by all. This guy is the biggest act of the year. The mother appeared at the press conference today with a full arm sling on, and Verka said the German press had done it to her in the media scrum. What a joker. Verka himself/herself waxed lyrical about her old German penpal. He said through a bemused interpreter that she didn’t want this penpal to know she was a poor soul so when she received a photo of his big Geman house, she sent a picture of a museum back instead. All highly peculiar.

Andorra are going down well with the assembled throng, and once they remembered how to play the guitar, they came across ok. Not a winner though, and they seem to have exponentially aged in the last couple of months…are they patsys? Slightly changed my angle on France…they do seem like arses it has to be said, but they’re performing very cheesily and that has to be congratulated I suppose considering they’re French. Still no chance though.

Malta’s Olivia did her song twice in music by the numbers fashion (the radio edit along with the obligatory “ballard” version), then it was time for the UK (introduced badly as always by that fog on the horizon of UK commentary, Paddy Connell). Scooch amusingly didn’t think their mic’s were working at the start, as they judged the complete silence in the audience as a technical malfunction. No folks, it’s called ambivalence. The powder pink outfits toned down the orange-ness but raised attention on the fat lads quite ridiculous highlighted barnet that now looks like a skunk fight in a paint shop. Considering it was their party, they must have wanted to ask everyone to leave.

The bellowers of Latvia traipsed on in tall hats, and assailed my eardrums with their song, the only real distraction is the amusing one at the start who is the human Mr Potato Head. Could still qualify this one.

What next? Oh Germany. He’s a bit of a class act, is Roger. The band do “swing” rather well, and I can hands on heart say that this was the only act I would pay to see (of course my re-photoed pass allows free access everywhere…that is apart from the domiciles of Dutch backing singers). Don’t bet on it though, when all said and done it’s still a German swing track that mentions the Beckhams. Edsilia of the Netherlands was ok, but after a deluded ballard attempt at “Ain’t nobody” alongside a topless breakdancer she lost much credibility in my eyes. (What is it with everyone having a go at “Stand by Me”? I hope Ben E King knows this is going on.) By this point my cold was getting the better of me (the Lapin Kulta wasn’t kicking in) so I willed myself through the formation arm flailing of Spain (acceptable, but inevitably bottom 5), and when the mighty svelte Karolina started singing and the techhies realised they didn’t have the backing track, I gave in and left. Her keening folk improvisation was ringing in my highly pressurised ears as I left.

The other highlight of the night was finding Sudafed in the bottom of my toiletry bag, as the high pitched whining of some of these acts are raising the pressure in my nasal passages quite severely. Oh, and I agreed on a compromise with the City and sourced semi-skimmed cow’s milk instead.

As for yesterday, it all went very smoothly. The press centre is FAB it has to be said. Bean bag central. I was worried that I wasn’t going to get a cubby-hole but didn’t even have to argue my case, so I’m already in possession of various cheesy promo items, including promo cd’s (great, dependant on your point of view..Greece has the most pretentious to date) and an empty The Ark plastic bag (why?). Oh and a complimentary laptop case. Tony the tiger greeaatt.

Today is the first proper dress rehearsal for the semi final at 14:00, and then number 2 at 21:00 until 23:30! Got tickets for the first one (first 10 acts on during the semi) so will then be able to feedback on my qualifiers, as I will have seen just about all of them in some form or other. Doubt that I’ll be heading back for the second one, as it all seems a little bit too much. How these people cover it so relentlessly is beyond me. Hats off (as Sarbel sounds like he’s saying) to them all.

I’m located in a very civilised part of the centre, and it’s 20metres to the tram, and 5 stops until I reach the very centre, past the impressive harbour, past the impressive Senate Square, past the largest department store in the world, and finishing at the grandiose train station. The one thing I do remember fondly from my last visit is the strong Soviet influences in everyday life, and the trains are mammoth two decker juggernauts with 1950’s cotton curtains (you know the ones with those runners you don’t get anymore…magic), and enough headroom for a giraffe with growth acceleration. More later.

Fresh, crisp, compact…

Tuesday May 08th 2007, 5:12 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

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and that’s just my underwear. You tend to have a more confident stride when you’re sporting new undergarments, but I thought I deserve it. Took me 20 mins to master the trams and the trains.

Anyway, as for Helsinki, it’s smashing. So far, I’ve knocked over a confectionary stand, bumped into Iceland, and got a head cold to end all head colds (AR! is that your fault?). It’s clear & airy as I remember it, bracing & imposing. Almost as many ESC banners as there are ESC journos.

One for you here Kev. Not usually one of your atypical nations at jumping to conclusions, the Finns at my apartment have seen two blokes on the booking and put one bed in. But never fear KDH, plans are in place for you to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa bed instead. Loads of bars btw too, but already had to choose with a certain caution.

Heading off to the press centre now (for the first time) brandishing my press pass as I go. Why am I the only one without the standard passport photo, but instead a gurning shot of me propping up a bar somewhere instead? I’m aware I haven’t actually said anything ESC yet, so will later in celebration if I can track down skimmed milk. Must push on, milk waits for no man.

I’ve bought pants and a hat…

Sunday May 06th 2007, 9:04 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

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but I fear it may blow off (the hat, that is). It’s a super trilby effort, and puts at least 5 years on me. Roger of Germany and Serbia’s backing singers will love it. As you can tell I’m on the final packing push now, right down to the accessories. Missing parties right and half centre over at HQ, with the Balkans hosting a Sunday shindig as I write this.

Following the next set of rehearsals, most fans love Marija of Serbia, and have an appreciation of Israel & Andorra.

Bob-put some cash on Ukraine. He suits you.

Geraldine- you’ve got a doppelganger in Slovenia’s Alenka..she’s super too.

Passepartout Kev- see you on Friday. You see, the first mention.

Off to plug in for a marathon ironing session. Now where is that Lithuanian flag?

Nicking from other sites as I prepare to pack

Saturday May 05th 2007, 12:26 am
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Many others of my kind have now landed and are embroiled in the semi-final rehearsals, so I have decided to give a quick overview from the brave souls already on the front line. And not the wise ones, enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of Helsinki, but the ones suffering the sounds for us, 12 hours at a time in a under-populated hall.

It seems 2007 is the year of the flapping fan

Slovenia - thumbs up, apart from the wallpaper dress, they could finally emerge from the also-rans….Andorra-thumbs up but I’ve seen it and I’m not convinced…Bulgaria-a thumbs up but showing signs of fatigue…Israel- a big thumbs up which is the only way it stands a chance of getting out of the semi…Hungary-bus-stop withstanding, a thumbs up….jury’s out on my Macedonia v Norway leg war…lesbotic Serbia remains a strong favourite (madness)…Poland’s oversized bird-cage has boosted it’s chances from also-rans…You can rule out Albania, Montenegro, & Cyprus (shock)…Georgia has dumped the humungous dress, but gained a sword fight…Fans are dotted throughout the acts, under-sized, over-sized, hand-held, Verka will probably have computerised ones. But the real winner so far seems to be DJ Bobo of Switzerland, right now justifying bookies favouritism.

Starting packing tomorrow, and must remember to take a Non-ESC antidote music selection to keep me sane.

Extra hot rocks have arrived for the high “journo” demand for sauna use, pub trams hosted by drag queens are being pushed out onto the tracks, Euroclub is being drunk dry, and I’m still 3 days away. Get me on that SAS plane.

So begins the first week in Helsinki

Tuesday April 24th 2007, 5:56 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

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As I type this Hepburn sunglasses and touch up kits are being packed throughout Europe, as the acts lock up their Samsonites to climb aboard a short haul flight to ignominy.

Although I won’t be in the frozen tundra for another week, matters will carry on without me. From Thursday the 3rd of May, the rehearsal slots start with the acts finding the best position on stage to wave their arms about.

Can’t wait to get over there now.

Hi there

Sunday April 22nd 2007, 6:11 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

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This will be my blog for the Eurovision Song Contest in Helsinki, Finland and my, am I looking forward to it. In between trams and beers, I hope to be reporting back with all the wide eyed fascination that results from watching 42 nations wearing sequins. Landing on the 8th of May, I’m there for the rehearsals, semi-final, and final, and I’ll hopefully have the chance to eavesdrop or ask probing questions of many of the acts. Watch this space.