Douzepoints

Monday January 15th 2007, 10:26 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

Right, this is bound to be a downcast review of the final, ensconced as I am right now back in M’cr with nothing but a glass of wine and a fading memory of the weirdos that were. But here goes anyway…

24th Ireland - 5 points. I naively thought Ms Jordan was winding us all up before the contest, but no, she actually turned out to be probably the worst singer I can remember at Eurovision. Gemma Abbey was Maria Callas compared to this twee abomination. Like a horse-drawn pile-up in Kilkenny high street, there was shit everywhere. Not least in her outfit, a novel barwench of a set-up, which hung off her like a hood on the elephant man, her nasal compadre. I’ve just put myself through it again, and still can’t identify a correct note. Albania gave it the only points of the night. That’s because they’re were used to living in fear.

=22nd United Kingdom 19 points. Then and now, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Malta cocked a crooked snoop at Eurosong by voting in hundreds, and Ireland weighed in with a 7. Apart from that, Scooch were rightfully ignored, as the amateur rabble with a nadir defining concept song. Damply received as a handshake from Manning in a sauna, the plastic population queened themselves once again into rightful obscurity.

=22nd France - 19 points. 8 from Andorra (who gave nowt to Spain), this was pre-show described by myself as a pink and black abyss of awfulness. Gaultier dresses & Gallic pretention, they arsed around the stage in a fashion utterly devoid of charm. The drummer had wings, the singer had a face to slap all night, and the baldy needed shooting. As Sir Terry said “Gosh, wasn’t that awful”. No, it was worse.

21st Lithuania - 28 points. Ireland gave it 12, Latvia 10, even the UK weighed in. Helped by a computer fair postcard before the song that dulled everyone into silence, I can swear I can hear myself roar with approval before this. Juliya’s “a gamarine figure” make-over unfortunately did make her look a bit like Ruth Madoc, but even with that handicap it was still the best song of the contest. Classy, understated, and sadly overlooked.

20th Spain - 43points. Andorra, Portugal, and France weighed in here. There’s a pattern starting to emerge. This was forgettable in every way, the white leather get-up bringing out the orange in their faces rather strikingly, like 4 lighthouses off Cromarty. A shame for the Spanish, who put in days of pre-selection this year.

19th Germany 49 points. Points-wise spread out, but interesting to note the only Eastern country to give them owt was Albania. So, again whilst the East sure stick together culturally, they ain’t alone. Introduced by a girl with her face down in a puddle, she obviously knew something we didn’t. “Dressed as a local neighbourhood butcher” I nevertheless got the odd nod of acknowledgement from our German countrymen, as I swung my way through the areeena sporting my trilby. A brave effort from Roger.

18th Sweden - 51 points. It was Ola’s annoying step dance that killed it…mind you, you don’t see the Bay City Rollers in the charts very often these days either do you? 12 points from Denmark & Norway, but the pre-carrot wedding bouquet postcard may have helped. Finland only gave it 8. Gulp.

17th Finland - 53 points. My, the hall went big. A stunningly attractive woman, all the better for avoiding the gamine trap of lesser popstrels, Hanna embodied the best essence of off-putting Finnish performance. The areeena caught her on a good day, but it was still only good enough for 17th. 12 from Sweden & Iceland. If I was their neighbours, I’d be scared.

16th Latvia - 54 points. Bit of a shock this one. Corroborating Italy’s long-standing decision to give the ESC a wide berth, the top-hatted open-mouthed jokers managed to gain 10 from their 2 Baltic neighbours & Ireland, but little else. Time for a new look, Mr Potato Head.

15th Slovenia - 66 points. Another disappointment for wannabe-opera, lovely Alenka failed to engender any sort of meaningful support with her hall-chilling voice and hand deposit. The best vocals of the night by a mile didn’t get her a 12 or a 10, just small points across the board. So much for my last minute change of heart.

14th FYROM 73 points. Another year, another example of FYROM undeservedly making the final, then being found out. 10’s from 4 of their Balkan neighbours weren’t enough for the slimmest and leggiest competitor in the last decade of ESC. Still a baby giraffe.

13th Romania - 84 points. The choice of Sheffield & Moldova (any similarities?!), the multi-cultural lads about town did as best they could with a stinker. Spain gave it douze too…well, it did have some Spanish in it.

12th Georgia - 97 points. All told, a fantastic debut for Georgia, one of the most well-supported delegations in Helsinki. The joy on the faces of the songwriter and Cossacks at the semi-final press conference made the whole week worthwhile for me. Honestly. Bjork-lite superdom for yet another mini-rocket of a singer, although they have a difficult follow-up now back in the semi-final.

11th Bosnia & Herzegovina - 106 points. Arguably the worst place in ESC, the opener missed out on qualification by 1 place. An each-way prediction by myself, I wouldn’t have put it forward if I had seen that dress, a sort of lichen stained seaweed effort that made the stage so slippery she thought it best to stay stock still throughout the song. Disappointing, though tub thumping Turkey surprisingly gave it 10 points.

10th Moldova - 109 points. Last up, and the complete opposite to the chiffon attack of the opener, Natalie decided to not bother with a dress or seemingly a solid pair of pants either. This, along with migraine inducing full use of the fabulous backdrop, were just about the only factors that shoved it in the top ten. The next village of Romania gave it a reciprocated douze.

9th Hungary - 128 points. My Magdi only went and bloody well did it. Surpassing almost everyone’s expectations, this was the real surprise of the contest. Douze from the winners was a bonus for the mono-lingual muser. I fear our paths may never cross again, unless she starts waiting for buses in North Cheshire. nagyszerű Magdi!

8th Armenia - 138 points. I’m not going to lower myself to expelling vitriol over the unfathomable voting success of this monstrosity of a ballard, replete as it was with used toilet paper hanging off trees, and Pris standing next to a Red Indian on mogadon. The Georgians and the Turks thought it was the best. Myself and a British lady sitting behind me were aghast. I still am.

7th Greece - 139 points. Clean cut, and with all the edge of a billiard ball, Sarbel took a virtually perfect ESC song and made sure it couldn’t win. You be hard pressed to be cruel about this though, and Bulgaria gave it 12, the UK gave it 10…I’ve forgot a country who gave it 12? Who can it be?

6th Belarus - 145 points. Two nearby Byelorussian delegation had half depression, half fear in their eyes 20 countries into the voting. It was if they didn’t at all fancy having to go on the run in the Baltics, rather than report back to Commo HQ for inevitable long-term military internment. But the second half proved blessed relief, as big points came rolling in for Mr Body Snatcher and Kirkorov protege, Koldun (”the most talented boy in the world!”…and also the most plastic). 12 from Israel, Russia, & Ukraine for him and his sliding door inspiration.

5th Bulgaria - 157 points. By this point I was clapping as much as a Home & Garden subscriber watching a clear round at Hickstead. Song 21 garnered douze from Greece of all neighbours, which was justified as the midget gem and her close-permed companion put in a cracker of a performance. Perhaps unsurprisingly Ireland didn’t fancy it. I did though.

4th Turkey - 163 points. Diaspora on an unprecedented scale. They got douzepoints from 6 nations, namely Austria, Germany, Belgium, France, Netherlands, and the UK. The West feeding an Eastern country for a change. Kebab shop phonelines were red-hot for 15 minutes on Saturday. A horrid song when all said and done, suitably illustrated by our Moyles-like singer twirling his dirty gruds over his head. Not good.

3rd Russia - 207 points. 3 convent educated girls whose nationality ensured a top three finish. You may as well put an each way bet on Russia next year right now. I didn’t believe them when they invited us to taste their cherry pie, and nor did Albania. Some Brits did though, giving them 6 points. Single men back from the pub I fear.

2nd Ukraine - 235 points. Verka followed the eventual winner onto stage, but all eyes were on the Ukrainian. Biggins clutched at her breast, we laughed…Biggins had 69 on her back, we chuckled…Biggins slapped the rears of the pedestal raised ladies, we roared. All the while we threw our arms in the air in a manner unbefitting of 8000 people in a hall. Notably, the Portuguese thought it deserved douzepoints. The Portuguese have covered themselves in glory this year.

1st Serbia 268 points - Feisty Marija proved the fans right from the start. Back in February, ballard lovers identified this as the stand-out track, and while I scoffed at the time, my baklava is now catching in my throat. The UK, Turkey, Lithuania, and Estonia didn’t feel it deemed a vote, but everyone else did. The hosts gave it douze. She lost her glasses for the reprise, and performed even better. Always a good bet for a tasty soundbite, Marija was a worthy winner. Belgrade 2008. Eek.

A fantastic spectale of rubbish, I would heartily recommend the ESC to anyone who holds any nagging inkling that attending the show just may not be such a stupid idea after all. I entreat you to ignore the Euro-septic ignorance of recent UK press reactions, whose kill-joy reaction reveals a fear of something they can’t (or probably don’t want to) quite understand. Lovely to see Verka at no.12 in the UK charts (kind of cocks a snoop at the journos, doesn’t it).

You can see some pictures on my main site at http://www.douzepoints.com/Eurosong2007/PhotosPage2007.htm

This is the end of my Helsinki blog 2007, and thank you to those who have tuned in. I hope to be back at the final in 2008, exactly 1 year and one week away, the 22nd of May

Ballardy Hell. Can it be?

Saturday January 13th 2007, 9:21 pm
Filed under: Helsinki

Comments?

hello, I’ve been a bit remiss lately, but being the international jet-setter and journalist that I am, time is at a premium and that time is best spent drinking. Now that the warm afterglow of enjoyment has passed, I’m starting to join the rest of the home nation, in looking dperessed. Summer is cancelled over here, as the Finns have just lost the World Ice Hockey Final and are embroiled in the serious business of drinking themselves into oblivion.

So a ballad won? Un-bloody-believable, but I’m glad Roland managed it, as she was a real trooper, who shot from the hip, and enjoyed eyeing up the ladies as much as I did.

But I’m back from an Estonian day-trip today (Tallinn, lovely old town, locals who wore a natural expression of fear and confusion. It took me an hour to come to the conclusion they didn’t actually think I was a direct descendant of a war criminal) and here to report back about last night befor it all fades into the fuzzy nether regions.

Firstly I had enough four star (Koff, Lapin Kulta, Saku, but no Plop, Binky or Sod) prior to the start to fuel me throughout the songs. The atmosphere at the start was electric. I have to admit I finally showed my true colours and was an over excited fan, making up for the dour dull Finns sitting next to me. KDH didn’t have that problem mind, as he was sitting next to a group of Finnish drag artist stewardesses, like Sestre but more amusing. They were called Raijan Air and they even popped up on one of the postcards. I wish I could have seen my face when he was chatting to them. One of the many wonderful moments.

I’ll do another blog tomorrow on the actual songs, back in Blighty, after I’ve popped the twin necessities of the kettle & the Sky+ on. Needless to say though Ukraine was massive in the hall, and I acted like a complete Verka arse to the utter bewilderment of the Finns and Russians around us. I may not have been in camera shot, but I was one of two Lithuanian stalwarts in the entire Areeena and I made sure everyone knew it. Going to listen out for my roars of acknowledgement, they have to be there somewhere.

Nothing realised surprised me during the songs (as it shouldn’t since I’ve been dissecting it with a fine DQ comb for the past few months), the interval act was a good one with a butch rotating groin above my head (though the Finns de-camped on masse to the bars at this point…they have an innate sense of the location of a pub at any moment, and aren’t afraid to utilise them quickly), and the voting was just as fun.

Whilst the Belarus delegation were looking like they were going to be shot back on arrival in Minsk for the first hour of voting, the Finns were confused that they weren’t top, and our group (& two Brits behind) were getting a tad excited over the possibility of Scooch landing a fat zero. Obviously Ireland & Malta spoiled the fun (my theory is that Malta voted for the UK as a defiant protest gesture against Europe not putting Olivia through…it’s the only logical explanation), some Russian supporters right in front were indignant when people (including myself at one point I’m sad to say) consistently booed them when their smallfry neighbours were forced to give the great Bear big points. And all in all, one of the best songs won, even if it did take the best part of an hour to get to the stage. So to Belgrade 2008. I’ve already convinced myself that the contest will be a poorer place without me in the belly of the Balkans next year, so I’ve signed the contract in pencil at least.

One point I do want to mention is that Portugal came 11th in the semi-final, missing out by 1 a place in the final. Mark this day, they will never come this close again.

After the show, managed to see deep brown Sir Terry who had a half-pint of Baileys in his hand…to be fair this was 1am, which for a 70-odd year old is good going. Legend.

Long trip back into town, scared KDH by taking him to Euroclub, a nightclub which played only Eurovision songs. I was in my element, he had sense and patiently waited for it to all end at 4am. Back home tomorrow, so will be signing off the blog then with boring statistical analysis. Finish the adventure in geek mode, which seems somehow appropriate as I’ve graduated this year into a fully fledged lost Eurosong soul

you can’t put a price on light

Friday January 12th 2007, 9:09 am
Filed under: Helsinki

2 Comments

…probably my final entry before the night to end all nights. It’s upon us, and the city is awash with expectation, excitement, bewilderment, and long vowels.

Central Helsinki was packed out last night, every Helsinkian (?) out on the streets enjoying an evening which didn’t involve pitch blackness and making babies to avoid the gloom of everyday existence. Had a bit of reindeer which was like beef, but you also got the antlers to pick your teeth with afterwards. Oh, and got drunk.

I suppose I should write about what I know best, bad ESC music. I did land at the press centre and watched the semi final rehearsal in a rocking chair. I didn’t make any notes at the time though so I’m running on a bad memory fuzzed by a head cold which would stop a rhino in its tracks.

I walked in a bit late, so missed Bosnia, Spain, & Ireland. The home nation’s hopes are pinned on Hanna Pakarinen, who sadly reverted to national final type and somewhat stank. (Got into a tricky conversation with a pissed up Finnish 49 year old who was rendered speechless by my knowledge of the Finnish national final…and I can’t blame her).

As mentioned before Alenka has the best draw of the night, and I predict big things. Slovenia is followed by the twin class of Magdi and Juliya. Lithuania weren’t ready in time and so still had silhouettes of the stage crew scrambling around post postcard. Hope they speed up the turnarond for the big show. It looks dead classy though. I’ve got everything crossed for them.

Greece follows Lithuania, which is great because Sarbel has all the charisma of a tax rise on wheelchairs. He is just about the worst dancer I’ve ever seen, and that includes my Uncle Derek at my cousin’s wedding. Considering his act is 95% dance, I fear the worst for the Greeks who have some of the most fervent delegations ever to grace Eurosong. They were running around the press centre throwing arms in the air as if Salonika had just fallen into the sea. It was probably just a hair gel issue. All very amusing.

Sweden is not going to win. It’s just too dull as usual. which considering they sent their wackiest act, says a lot about the state of their nation.

France…France…if anything is going to surpass the utter crapness of Scooch, it’s France. The pink/black combination isn’t a winner, and the arrogant smirking that fills the screen got on my nerves very quickly indeed. An abomination.

What you get with Russia is what you pay for. 3 svelte girls in boots singing badly. They do a Janet Jackson travesty at one point which is crap enough to raise a smile.

Germany is class, but in German. I’ve decided to wear my trilby later in honour of the best male vocalist this year.

And so to slot 18 and the Ukraine. He is great. He has enough confidence to do what the hell he likes, and goes on a wander at one point around the back of the satge, slapping the arses of the singers as he goes. Great fun, and a definite winner.

Scooch can’t do anything in the face of that. Caught in a maelstrom of tat, they just can’t compete. Clearly someone has had a quiet word, as they’ve dumped the union jack on the screen and on the food trollies as the flag is voting poison. Instead they’ve gone down the cheap route of put every single Euro flag on instead which of course won’t help. I still think 23rd or 24th for these muppets, although it raised as many smiles in the press arena as it did shaking of the head.

Romania was quite good, which is an improvement, and Armenia was bloody awful as always.

So logging off now, but I hope you enjoy tonight.