Besa Kokëdhima "known domestically for her catchy hooks" won the public vote in the Albanian national final. She's comparatively been around the spangly block & her 2nd album was proudly proclaimed "one of the most accepted projects of the year." The anglicised version you willl hear is an unoriginal vanilla of shoehorned translation, with wailing, rap, and the loss of all authenticity. Likely weekday exit.

   Named after the Soviet rust bucket off-roader, this French/Armenian group are also uncomfortable, have significant vibration and prone to a gearbox falling out. Jako is about embracing who you are, (theme of the year) and not about German sports shorts. It's ethno horn fluff, and even though its filled with hundreds of la's and lei's it still doesn't make it to the 3 min limit. Sing-a-long for the Yerevan kindergarten generation. Doesn't travel.
         
I've had enough, it's time to get them out. They clearly don't care so why should we. This Aboriginal two piece who "embrace their feminine side" tried in '18 & are back with the budget of a jar of vegemite and a trowel. This is abysmal stuff with a deeply unsettling promo video which chills to the bone. Yes, yes, its worthy sure enough but then again so was Coco Chanel & Mother Teresa. Got a terrible feeling that I'm in the minority on this..  

A Creative Director by trade, 29 year old Kaleen knows her way around a ESC stage and will certainly need to with this childish thumper,. a pop techno track with its arrhythmic heart firmly in Central Europe. The song is best summed up as "We rum de dum dum da – We Will Rave". It's decent entry level nonsense and will have legs & co, but the genre doesn't excel & neither will this.
         
Sexy whisperer 28 year old Fakhri Ismayilov is being supported by runner-up 33 yr old Ilkin Dovlatov with an AI generated Eurosong pudding, which becomes downright enjoyable during the chorus of beats and mustachioed mugham. A nation which has faded badly of late, I fear there's not enough to reverse their slide and with likely misplaced staging unlikley to go fahree.   Looking like a Sting's Feyd Rautha in the promo, 33 year old Thomas Michel Mustin is a judge on Drag Race Belgique and seemingly has more low cut tops than Jayne Mansfield. So expect full-on intensity with a song's tm message "to have the courage to be themselves", and to show nipples. Could be a real contender but there is doubt it may be all a bit much for him and for us for that matter.
         

28 yr old Marko Purišic's project was originally a backup for Croatia's Dora, a move that HRT (not for middle-aged ladies) were lambasted for. Since Marko's project duly swept the board and sailed into ESC only to then become bookie's fave in April. With a winking cat but no cow, this is knockabout nonsense or "social and spiritual challenges of individuals and society", this year's Kaarija if you will, and liable to score similarly.

  Aussie poppet 17 year old Vasiliki Silia Kapsis wakes up and feels "like ooh-la-la" before her day rapidly goes downhill by finding her child-like innocence rudely damaged. Or officially on trend message is that it addresses "body shaming, sexuality, and various forms of oppression". It's wholly radio friendly olive fuelled copy & paste pop which has very little to differentiate from the extra virgin bottled down the years. May not qualify.
         
Alena Shirmanova-Kostebelova (24) shortened her name during her journey from Moscow to Brighton via Czechia (so 2 ESC locations right there). With all these performers who have traversed the globe I'm starting to think the ESC is a factor in climate change. Her effort appears to focus on narcissism, and high school rock. Pretty much guaranteed non-qualification it's as much an indie racket as Del Boy.  

Anna Saba Lykke Oehlenschlæger (26) is the "first brown, queer woman to sing for Denmark" and has been noticeably Gaza firm pre-contest. When not being "an entrepreneur in teeth whitening products" she's taking to the stage decrying the situation of getting the wet beach between her toes. Childishy rhymed pop anthem "Saaaand" should easily get through as we've all washed our feet on one of those showers so can empathise.
         

This will feel like being shouted at by two separate Estonian bands, one singing about a drugs bust "we avoid drugs, just because we are not rich”, the other waving & scratching at a plank with strings on (talharpa). The song is catchy but wearing, and angry old men when the ale is off is never a good look. But they improve when the taps have been cleaned and even choreograph an uneasy routine. The Full Monty with leather.

   Exhales slowly. Well, at least there's a denim egg & crotch fireworks... "Visual artist" Teemu Keisteri (38) is trying to appeal to the middle aged nerd demographic, one which you don't tend to link to ESC. Whilst the song is utterly worthless trash, his only real moment of interest was the pre-season u-turn over Gaza, where he initially said he wouldn't attend as protest. Some would say it's all our loss that he turned at all..
         
34 year old Slimane Nebchi is a national name. He has 2 million album sales and in an example of early oneupmanship has untold gazillions of online streams. Shame then that he belts out a deeply derivative "ode to romance" dressed up as a disco Dothraki with added hairy armography. A damp fan favourite and therefore gets my stamp of dissapproval. Hope his spitting whils singing tendencies are reined in or the front row will need ponchos.  

No less than top12 in American Idol, (making her mid table), Nutsa (27) and the Georgian delegation are oing forall in for the Chanel vote, with a shouty beat-heavy thrust-athon, designed to get the pulse racing. I fear the only numbers the public will be needing is the metpahorical code for the defibrillator to avoid flatlining after watching this derivative drivel. Borderline qualifier, all depends on the set-up.
         
Isaak Guderian (29) is the latest to go into battle to avoid the predictable German 26th finishing position. Family-man Guderian looks like he's hit the odd 180, but even with his capable rendtion of a perfectly unremarkable pop ballad, I fear he's more likely to suffer a bounce out. Like his similarly named Catch-22 character, likely to be ruminating on the absurdity of it all, although a paucity of "bully boys" may allow it to stand out.   This one has got them talking. A fusion performer, 37 year old Marina has a style of urban alll-East and has tried to add something a bit different into the pot with a polyphonic mess of what-people-think-of-Greece but a bit grimier. . Some plaudits for originality if not production, success will depend if the juries and public find the incessant "Ta Ta's" agonisingly annoying as much I do.
         
If I'm lucky a national selection comes along to knocks my socks off. Whilst the San Remo can alwys be relied upon, rarely do Iceland impress. But this year they did (I submit Blankiflúr, CeaseTone, Maiaa, & Anita as evidence) & my '24 playlist is headlined with their efforts. This is not one of them. Back for the 3rd time, ripe Hera (52) was the worst of their selection and still won (I won't mention the Palestine debacle),, This is so m'eh you won't be watching it on Saturday.   Hogwarts it ain't. Described elsewhere as "like a recap of a Latvian final" what immediately springs to my mind is execrable chaos. It's a shoegazing goth unnecessary "ouija pop" fever dream. Old enough to know better, 31 Bambie Ray Robinson says she is "smashing through gender and socio -political stereotypes". She's actually smashing viewer's willpower. It's cruising into the final where her coded political body scrawls are unwelcome as this horrid performace art.
         
This one is best watched from the sofa, as I imagine the front row damp fan's view will be somewhat disturbed by the legions of Swedish "safety and security" personnel. For what it's worth Israeli/Russian Ms Golan (20) has one of the stronger pop ballards (2nd go) of the year. Let's hope her experience isn't boo-ridden, that's best left at the door.. The lyrics have been softened & are universal, though it may not be widely viewed that way.   Aah, Italia. A San Remo for the ages saw fruity 23 year old Ms Mango prevail, with a Spanish rouseabout, all swagger & allegrissimo. Donna's have done relatively poorly in the ESC in recent times but I expect Angelina to wow enough to be top 3 with "Boredom", based on a Colombian folk dance. Hey it's written by Madame and Dardust so tick/tick & it's quality and fun and joy and just what the contest needs to ground everyone from all the shouty madness everywhere else.
         
A genre always seemingly reserved for the middle-aged man, this 40 year old is well and truly owning the downbeat depressive slot of '24. It's soulful yet touched by despair, and is 100% not the type of vibe the besequinned damp fan is after. Like a young Pyat Pree, Arturs Šingirejs / Art Green / Art Singer has a similarly glum demeanour, maybe due to being runner-up to "Cake to Bake" ten years back. Unlikely to qualify.   If there was a market for it, my top tip would be the UK giving Mr Belt douze points. 26 years old Silvester studied at the catchy "Juozas Gruodis Conservatory in Kaunas" after which finding work in a beauty salon. "Wait up" is being widely viewed as a relatively original compostion, but I view it as effete disco number with added nasal strips and chunky coloured cow hide . Don't quite see what all the fuss is about to be honest.
         
Containing an early annoying effect that makes me think they submitted a Greek commercial radio station version to the EBU, "Fighter" signals Luxembourg's welcome return to the fold. It's performed by the well travelled 23 year old Israeli born Tali Golergant, and she has a harmless dated Eastern pop number which ticks some boxes, with qualification likely to be determined by the staging. Tax havens are coming back.   One of those efforts where the song producer got carried away with the scissors. There's about 5 songs in 1, all of which drag. Sarah is 26 and has done the Junior ESC and then some during her first quarter of a century So, a typical med-fuelled pop number which will no doubt test her underpant elastic during oodles of hip thrusts. At least her billionaire dad will be able to provide replacement undercrackers when the sweat dries.
         
17 years since her first turn, 44 yr old Natalia is returning with a less appealing pop ditty. I recall distinctly fleshy lips in '07, which've been enhanced further in the intervening years. In fact there's also as much filler in her mouth as there is in the song, an ethnic claptrap non-entity notable for synchronised armography and violin. They should borrow Silvester's nose clips and they could do the Olympics. They've more chance of success there.   Looking like a youth bowl-cutted version of Colin Hunt, 26 year old Joost Klein of Leeuwarden (I thoroughly enjoyed student life there), has a lowland all 2-limited techno peculiarity which touched top3 in the betting, and it's equally brainless & intelligent in equal measure.. There's some depth to the song at the end (a paean to the Eurozone stronger together model) surprising given the manic one dimensional madness of the previous 2 minutes. May win, but unlikely.
         

The ESC cave floor is scattered with the bones of dark, pagan folk twee noise. Alvan & Ahaz, Nox, Kristina.. all went in with high hopes but left in a low mood. Doesn't stop the damp fan viewing this "prog folk-rock" act with acclaim, even though it's archetypal wailing fairytale "I was a very fine and beautiful maiden. With an evil stepmother. My mother had died" garbage extolled by .Gunnhild (38). Thinking about it, GoA did alright...

   "Drawing as much energy from the moon as possible", 24 year old angular Aleksandra Katarzyna Wielgomas has one of those radio friendly efforts which gets completely ignored pre-contest. Dripping with symbolism, arty-farty Luna has back of throat child-like delivery that quitely appeals. Ellie Goulding comparions abound, but despite me likey, I don't see a top ten hit here. More pawn than king.
         
Like a levada walk, this is a deeply Portuguese meander, with much gentle soul enriching simplicity, with a mild risk of getting grit in your shoe. 29 yr old Iolanda Costa is another of a growing list of performers to focus on issues of self-worth "a scream of self defense and trusting in yourself'". Really, this generation just needs to man up. Another Portugeezy effort likely to be forgotten about pretty quickly.   The Appennine minnow has imported from Spain this year, with "fucksia rock" band Megara winning the rarely competitive national selection. This is squarely rock chick mess, with a bit a glam thrown in. A member of the band is Kenzy Loevett which you'll be hard pressed to. This is unsurprisingly weak, and is highly unlikely to make Saturday, but at least it's notable for two girl Hellraiser cenobites in pink glam leotards.
         
Presented by MoroccanOil, 31 year old Teodora Pavlovska was born in Bor, which tells you all you need to know. Sporting a disinterested shopgirl look, this is a shoe gazing ethno ballard of "hope and resilience" and is named after a flower, not a fly, nor clearly after a conditioner. It's worthy, dull, and with neighbours cancelling subscriptions, is likely to struggle to make an impact. Grease lightning it ain't.   Assuming all Veronica's are highly strung bird watchers. We all will recognise the mating call of the brown headed cow bird present during this overwrought wall of noise, which is surprising as her hair to date has alternated between purple or blond. Feeling like she needs to settle on a theme, 27 year old Sara Briški Cirman is a "mezzo-soprano singer, author, songwriter and harpist" naturist & unlikely qualiifer, but it's a decent tern so isn't a total booby (etc..)
         
Cheeky, brazen, filthy, shaved, all words to describe this tour de force of trashy later aged emancipation. Real first world stuff with this husband and wife electropop act, and added men bum. The EBU have translated the song title as "Vixen" but the truth is a tad more mature. All told it's lascivious 80's pop, think Bananarama with added wink and car keys on the table. There's something there, it's just something you will regret in the morning.   Two heroes of Hedmark, the Norwegian twins (22) are previous winners of Junior ESC, Masked Singer, as well being runners up at last year's MF with a poptastic effort. So the hosts have tasted success but shouldn't get used to it here. Asking for trouble with this title, all the big Swede ESC brains have focussed on the uber slick staging and performance, and have then thrown in a tune for good measure. Top ten likely, anything more will be trult unimaginiative.. and forgettable.
         
they/them take their official bow in the shape of 24 year old Nemo Mettler, and they/them does a stand-up job at commuinicating confusion.. Born into a bilingual town, this best of both worlds approach is displayed in "The Code", one of those 5-in-1 songs. It's got popera, Bond, strings, drum n bass, and a Snowth on a roundabout. Along with Ms Mango it's the banger of the year, they has a message, and them clearly can perform so is my tip for the top.   Despite best efforts the combination of hymns and rap remain unnatural bedfellows. In trying to make church cool, Aliona Olehivna Savranenko (32) & Yana Oleksandrivna Shemaieva (28) have an unmistakably Ukrainian lower key effort, neither fair nor foul. A song apparently inspired by Mother "there is something beautiful in seeing the poor accept their lot" Teresa, you may also be viewing the top5 in the betting with the same suspicion. Although it is Ukraine after all.
         
Confident lad is Mr Alexander (33), of Years and Years. Whilst hailing from North Yorkshire you can't imagine him up to his elbows in cow. He's another delicate, different & defiant fella and he's camping it up like almost never before, with a filthy gym humpathon. One more UK entry focussing on the recipe without tasting during the cooking. It has little art, zero to differentiate, and all the gay in the world. Don't expect an Israeli vote, they're not pleased, neither are GB News..